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New Franken

Tips on how to be like a New Franken, what's cool in New Franken (no fads here so all you ever need)

Hey you don't live in New Franken, but you wish you did. Well you don't, so you can't be a New Frankener, but here's some basic advise that should get you close enough that everyone around will walk up and tell you how kick ass you are.
This is pretty much a list of what's cool in New Franken, don't call it a what's hot and what's not list, because those lists suck, they aren't a not, they are a "piece of shit idea"

UNDERAGE DRINKING - This is a real tough one, we overall take a negative stance on this. Though I think many of us believe the age should be 19 like in Canada (Canada is great) since you can die for your country at 18 (sorry, that is real cliche but it happens). Needless to say many teens feel pressured by friends to drink, but seriously think for a second what alchohal does: ALCOHOL CONSTRICTS YOUR BLOOD VESSELS AND LIMITS THE AMOUNT OF OXYGEN THAT CAN GET TO YOUR BRAIN AND ALSO DEHYDRATES YOU. IT SIMPLY LOWERS YOUR INTELLIGENCE AND THOUGHT CAPABILITIES. THEY SAY IGNORANCE IS BLISS, DRINKING IS SIMPLY LOWERING YOUR BRAIN TO THE STATE OF A CHILD, THIS IS WHY PEOPLE DRINK. Now some people drink casually with friends and we think that is okay if you're an adult, but not in high school. We realize everyone wants to grow up fast and drinking seems like so much fun but you will most likely make an ass of yourself. Most people would agree that if they met a drunk version of themselves would hate that person. Also sorry to say it but most people under say 25 don't have alot of self control and most people under 18 have none and can go completely overboard. DRINKING SIMPLY TO GET DRUNK IS STUPID AND DANGEROUS, this is simply the wish to lower yourself to the cognitive abilities of a second-grader. If you drink with self control and not because you think it is cool but make the personal choice to do so as an adult there is nothing wrong with it, unfortunately most people who fit in the category of adults and underage (18-21) don't appreciate these reasons (see NF Profiles and Jordan Destree). And if you aren't an adult yet, you don't control yourself and you can only drink with your legal guardians.

MEN WEARING MAKEUP/CRYING IN PUBLIC - There are a few times when a man can wear makeup, actually one, if you are in a big budget action thriller and they force you (also they have to apply it while you are punching someone). As for crying in public there are also very few times it is appropriate, now today's emo or emotional man (see the three paragraphs below this one) thinks it's okay to cry in public, we are here to tell you it's not. The few exceptions would be at a parent/wife/or child's funeral (alone in the bathroom) and you still need to be drunk, I'm sure there are a few more, meh.

CHUCK TAYLORS - Now popular amoung the EMO kids (see two articles down) the Chuck Taylor was the premiere shoe of athletes in the 1950's the Chuck Taylor made a comeback in the 1980's. Loyal fans of the comfordable shoe wore it into the 90's. Emo's are now trying to bring back the 80's fashion and with it the Chuck Taylor, like always new fads ruin great things. The Chuck Taylor officially became uncool two years ago when it went main stream again when "bands" (not a real band) like Good Charlotte started wearing it.

WEARING TIES WITH A NORMAL OUTFIT - Is this some sort of charity benefit or gala and you just were too damn lazy to throw on a button down shirt so you just put a tie over your t-shirt? You're not emotional, you're not deep, and wearing that tie without a collared shirt makes you look like an idiot.

EMO - Emo, short for emotional is the new goth, the only problem is that there are still goths, and goths suck. The music is bad, the fashion is bad, the whole idea is just terrible. Often seen wearing all black clothing or dressed like a punk band from the 80's (i.e. a really bad impression of the sex pistols) the average emo thinks themself to be some sort of deep poet. In reality they are the lowest common denominator of society because of the inherent contradiction of their idea that they are in some way original or different by dressing exactly like all their friends. A fair warning STAY AWAY FROM EMO'S, NOW THERE ARE SOME EMO'S THAT ARE AT BEST JUST POSING AND ARE STILL NOT TOTAL DOUCHEBAGS, we still recommend avoiding emo's at all costs. You can recognize emo's by their psuedo-intellectual thick black framed glasses, black clothes, dark black flock of seagulls haircut, chuck taylors, and their smug look of self satisfaction (warning if they are men they could be crying).

Layering more than 3 shirts - Yes we've all been told when we were kids that layers was the key to staying warm in the winter and we all know it's cold outside in the winter. But you.. yeah you... the guy over there in the 4 shirts in the 80 degree heat, why are you sweating?? oh yeah because you suck. You aren't going outside without a jacket why do you have 5 shirts on?? and why did you pop the collar?? just remember "fashion is the art of brainwashing the proud," seriously take one look in the mirror. (Yes I am aware I've done this one already, but noone was listening)
Rolling up one pant leg - Are you warm on one half of your body? This isn't the 80's and it never will be again, you look ridiculous.
Naming your child something crazy - Yeah it's great to be original and what better way than a name like Apple or Crassulanga? But remember your child has to live with that name forever and well if you think the average person wouldn't want that name I bet your kid wouldn't (just because you think you'd like it doesn't mean you would let alone that your kid would). I mean I have always laughed about naming my kid "where" or "joey jo jo" (if you know my last name that is pretty funny and cruel) but i'm not a dick like that so I recommend you don't.
80's fashion - So recently I heard that the 80's were coming back in style, I would just like to stop all of those rumors now, the 80's are not coming back in style... I think we can all agree that 80's fashion was ridiculous.
Arrogance - Yeah that cocky attitude may work well with some girls back home, and the younger girls totally dig you're badass nature. But unless you can back it up with something the real world is gonna hit you in the face with a brick (the real world being some random dude twice your size at a bar when you're 25).
Smoking Pot - There is a time and place for everything, for marajuana that time is called college. Now NF is in no way condoning the use of illegal drugs, in fact without a perscription we don't recommend it. But we know you kids are still gonna try it and though it is completely stupid to do it to pass the time or to impress others, because why waste times and who gives a shit about what other think? Needless to say some of you will still try it and we recommend waiting till you are an adult (18 is not an adult)
Pigs - Pigs around the world have recieved a bum rap by being associated with obese and unattractive people. But pigs are rather intelligent animals, they are actually more intelligent than dogs. They also make loyal companions as demonstrated in the movie Babe. Their curly tails can also make for hours of fun, plus who needs a garbage disposal when you can throw anything in with a pig and he will either eat it or sleep on it. Oh and the fact that they are delicious.

Stealing - This one is pretty obvious, stealing in a general sense is wrong. It's not yours and taking it won't make it yours. So unless you're going Robin Hood and stealing for great ethical victories then you're in the wrong.
Music that sucks - Ashley Simpson, anything by boy bands, Justin Timberlake, Mariah Carey...hmm....I suppose I could list things all day but instead I'm going to unfairly generalize like I always do. A song sucks if: there is singing throughout more than 2/3 of the song, the artist has no musical talent, you never see any evidence of an instrument being played, if the word baby is said more than 8 times, if it is considered "cool" by the average middle school girl, if a rap station would play it, if Carson Daly would make a good candidate for introducing it, or if you're listening to it and you listen to any station that plays pop music.
Music that doesn't suck - in a short list form: 38 special, Aerosmith, Alan Parsons Project, Bad Company, Beatles, Bob Dylan, Bruce Springsteen, Bush, CCR, Cheap Trick, Coldplay, Deep Purple,Eagles, ELO, Elvis, Eric Clapton, Foo Fighters, Frank Sinatra, Green Day, Harvey Danger, Jimi Hendrix, John Mellencamp, Johny Cash, Kansas, King Crimson, Kiss, LED ZEPPELIN,  Metallica, Moody Blues, Neil Young, Phil Collins, PINK FLOYD, QUEEN, Queensryche, Radiohead, Red Hot Chili Peppers, REM, Rolling Stones, Rush, Simon and Garfunkel, Stone Temple Pilots, Styx, The Doors, The Faint, The Kinks, The Velvet Underground, The Who, They Might Be Giants, Tom Petty, U2, Van Halen, Weezer, Wings, Yardbirds, ZZ top, there is so much more but i'm bored with this list already... and as far as rap goes Jay-Z, tupac, and the NWA, hmm and public enemy, flava flav just ammuses me.
The Chevy Lumina - Simply put...the Chevy Lumina is the greatest car ever put into production. Though I don't have 100% confirmation of this but I'm pretty sure it's the fastest car ever built (right before the Enzo i believe). Besides the obvious feature comforts the car is affordable for just about anyone including a tape deck, a steering wheel with a badass smoking feature, a stall out capability, and seats up to 15 people.


Shopping at Giant Corportations (More or less Walmart) -  A very tricky subject...without giant corporations we wouldn't have things like cars, tv's, or even the computer you are using to read this right now. So to completely denounce corporations is saying i want to live in a hole in the ground. Obviously you can't sit at your computer and hate corporations otherwise you should throw it out now. (go now) But some companies *cough cough walmart cough, have become somewhat "evil." But these are just the CEO's, corrupted by power like any human can be. These men see nothing but money and care nothing for human like, so they exploit the unfortunate of the world and give them slave wages so they can have an iron grip on their market. So hating anyone that works at Walmart is not the way to go, they are after all just trying to survive just like you. Don't just be like the celebrities who denounce things like pollution and then drive around in hummers, if you are going to denounce walmart and can afford to shop elsewhere, HAVE SOME GOD DAMN SELF CONTROL, if you can afford to shop elsewhere I'm sure your local businesses could use the business. Don't stand for the injustice of these CEO's being paid millions while real humans are suffering for your "slavings" yes walmart rolls back the prices with "slavings" not "savings." Just go by the general rule.. "If you're going to bitch about it then don't do it or better yet fight it."
The Ghetto "Urban" Lifestyle - fine, but only and we stress ONLY time is if you actually live in the Ghetto, and unless you live in a complete shitbox you should not be be supporting this lifestyle.
Naming your kids - Right now the big craze in NF is naming your kids after your favorite celebrity and then the name of your favorie snack. For example... "Matt Damon Doritos" or "Jon Stewart Corn Chips." Of course they might hate you for the rest of your life but can you imagine if your kid was named "Gene Simmons Utz??"
Not agreeing with everything on this list -  the ultimate crime against coolness. If you don't agree with EVERY THING on this list you have some serious issues you need to work out or go see a psychiatrist about.
Pirating off the internet - not encouraged unless the people who your stealing from deserve it (robin hood style).
Making Tekno - (beat boxing for those of you not up with your NF dictionary) only cool and I repeat ONLY COOL if you are good at it and the people around you appreciate it. (also helps to be atleast have a blood New Franken level
[BNFL] of atleast .4973)
UTZ - The New Franken snack, can't go wrong with UTZ
Star Wars - It is okay to be into star wars...just don't go overboard.
HackySack - The stoners game...okay if you're a stoner and you accept that, or you understand that you will look like a complete stoner, as long as you're not super good because that's not cool.
The Pink Shirt - No problem...wait if guys do it?? what guys wear a pink shirt?? really?? that many?? wow that is really really bad; you're kidding right?? you're not?? wow that's got me at a loss for words, i'll go with a simple NO!
Popped Collars - one word for this.."AAAAAHH". there is nothing worse than popping your collar, you might as well tatoo "I suck complete and total ass" onto your forehead and get it over with.
Being from New Franken - always in style
Reality Television -
Duct Tape Clothing - Amazingly, yes
Farm N' Fleet - No, cheap ripoffs of anything are terrible
Playing the Guitar - All depends, do you smoke weed? then no it's not cool, are you any good? then yes it's super sweet.
Public Nudity/ Streaking - Yes, but only if there are members of the opposite sex and no children present. (children being anyone under 18, so if you're under 18 you're present so no) yeah and not if you're fat, noone wants to see that.
Playing Poker - NO!!!! (unless you are old enough to gamble, 18, and you're playing with friends for fun, and if anyone is under 18 not cool)
Golf - It depends, okay casually and if it's free, but otherwise no
Badminton - Always great.
The Garage Rave - The Garage Rave is now the hottest party scene there is. New Franken invented this party and noon can do it like New Franken, but trust us it is the greatest party of all time.
Being a whore - Just not cool, god knows std's are around every corner thanks to you damn whores/hookers/and skanks.
Putting your girlfriend (or boyfriend) before your friends - Man, no man, I believe you'd get your ass kicked for doing something like that.
Climbing a silo - for some reason this is kick ass
A Righteous politcal statement - Cool, unless noone else around cares then shut the hell up.
Pat McCurdy - Least known musician in the midwest, HUGE in college towns across Wisconsin. Check out Pat download a song if you have to (but just one, then buy an album) He's the most hilarious song writer i've ever heard, and awsome live. I recommend the song Everyone's A Whore
T-shirts - T-shirts are always cool but there are exceptions that make t-shirts suck 1.) Wearing a t-shirt with a place, sport, event, person, or any other noun or verb that you've never seen or done 2.) Huge t-shirts that don't fit, or t-shirts that look like your little brother grew out of it 2 years ago. 3.) T-shirts that have a name on them and the name isn't yours, that's just confusing and stupid
Thrift Stores - Always kick ass, people throw away some great shit, unless you're a douche, then keep shopping at the GAP
Scooterboarding - Always in
Not Drinking - Not Drinking is cool if you're doing it for presonal reasons like morals or you don't see a point. but not for religious reasons because you should be doing it for your own reasons, just like if you choose to drink it's for your own reasons I would hope
Layering shirts - Now an undershirt, plain white, always a good thing, hell we all sweat. But wearing a polo under a button down, under a jacket dealy; that's just downright wrong. Come on you don't need 3 flipped-up collars.
Flipped-up Collars - Wow, way to defeat the purpose of the collar, just totally assinine.
Cleavage - Always good, unless you're fat, or ugly, or it's too much, you know what? screw it, cleavage is out. If you're going to wear a shirt, WEAR A SHIRT.
Malls - Malls suck, noone likes the mall, a bunch of pre-teens running around to the "cool" stores buying $40 t-shirts that don't fit with mommy's money. The mall is terrible, the only exception "THE MAN'S MALL"
The Man's Mall - Fleet Farm or it's partner in crime Farm n' Fleet are always in.
The Redneck Look - The Redneck look is back, but if you're going to do it you have to go all or none. I mean smell like barn, shit on boots, dirty face. Yeah that's right no posers accepted here, the redneck look is 100% or it doesn't work.
Low Rider Bikes - Wow, no don't ever do that again
Low Rider Cars - WHY!?!?! never again
Low Rider Jeans - AHH! i don't need to see that
Low Rider anything -  8=====> ( ( ) 
Andrew WK - The hardest rocking, most repetetive party rocker of all time (I mean come on a guy who only sings about partying has to know how to party)
Reading - pagest all the way through and clicking randome links I mean you never know the cool page they will send you too, in general reading is cool too I suppose